Actually I am. A bit. But at the same time I dont really care. But from now on its at pwure.wordpress.com and mostly they will be passcoded. Ask me on msn for password if you want.
I intend to turn it into my school ranting blog.
Alright. I admit it. I miss my lit. CSE's fine and all that, but somehow I think its not the subject for me. I loved lit, just that I was struggling to score in it with everyone else writing so much better than me. Or actually not really. But during sec 4 they focused alot on poems, and I just kept failing it because I didnt interpret it the way they wanted me to. It was kind of upsetting. But I miss the analyzing and themes and all that.
Therefore in honour of lit I shall post my past poems, because I dont have an archive and Im too lazy to add the code for it.
This is a set of 4 poems written 6/7/2006, i believe it was somewhere when I failed my chem test and everything else was doing really badly. Parents were scolding and I was terribly disappointed with myself.
Broken
The expression your face held,The accusing tone of your voice,The pain constricting my chest,My disappointment and yours,The need to get away from you,Alone with tears streaking down,Flooded with angst,Frantically searching for an alternative,Two entitys merged as one.Spent, hysterically sobbing into the pillow;The feeling of failure.
I will always remember.
Pained
Watching in the darkness
Seen but not seen
Pain diffusing through every pore
Silent cries and pleas unheard
Wallowing in self-pity
Mind screaming in agony
Wanting badly for someone to notice
No one does
The tears finally shatter to the ground
Everything breaks
Empty words do no comfort
Although they think it does
I dont need words to tell me to work harder
I dont need you to talk like Im not there
All I need is your understanding
And for you to hold my hand
Because the pain is gnawing inside of me
I can feel it gripping my heart
Its overwhelming presence is too much to bear
Suffocated by it
There is only one thought right now
Please
Make it stop.
No Will to Live
I wonder why I was born
A mere chance that went so wrong
A fatal mistake in my opinion
That may be rectified hopefully sooner
How could They allow
Someone so emotionally unstable
To even set foot
In this cold, cruel world?
Thoughts of dying lingers
Throughout the years
Too afraid to die
Yet no desire to live
Stuck in limbo
Always undecided
Wish upon a falling star
Cut this thread of life loose
Theres no sense in keeping it
When there is no belief
There is -
No will to live.
Lost
Staring blankly at nothing in particular
So hurt I dont know where its from
I know where it began and how it happened
And yet, I do not know
My body feels so weary
My emotions so chaotic
I know why I feel this way
And yet, perhaps, I do not know
The wound so deep it refuses to heal
Every lashing it takes splits it further
Mending and breaking cant go on forever
The gap's so wide now I fear it'll scar
A permanent haze clouds over all
I dont know who I am anymore
I can feel, touch, see
And yet, in my numbness, I cannot
All I see now is blankness
No sense of direction or purpose
Broken, Pained, No will to live
Lost
The next poem was written 2 years ago - 2/5/05. I was angry at sohteng.
On the Path of DestructionWalking along the empty cement blocks
Blood pooling by the banks
I count the days when nothing
Nothing seems alright
A sea of water showers down
Mixing with the Blood
The fools believe its all been washed away
Yet it has only just diluted
It sinks into the root core
Waiting to be called
It slowly congregates its allies
Scheming with its mind
Out of the ground it will burst forth
Like a phoenix from the ashes
It will coat the world in blood
And I hope they dont survive
A few others I have totally forgotten when, but likewise I think it was 2-3 years ago.
Did you ever feel?
Did you ever feel
That you've been lied to
And never even suspected?
Did you ever feel
That you worked so hard
Only to end up empty handed?
Did you ever feel
That you revolved around expectations
And you couldnt escape?
Did you ever feel
That you lost the struggle to survive
And the will to carry on?
Did you ever feel
That your life was not worth living
And your dreams shattered beyond recognition?
I did.
Wings
I flew towards the bright red sunSpread out to escapeThe continuing horrors No more said ITo friends and foesAnd with my crimsonSoaring WingsI said my lastGoodbyeFallen When you cant take it anymore
When you feel like its unfair
Jump, just jump
When blood runs from the cut
When your limbs burn with pain
Jump, just jump
When you cry from the nonsense
They put you through
Jump, just jump
When you scream from the injustice
When they treat like scum
Jump, just jump
When you're swallowed by hatred
Overcome by the fear
Jump, just jump
You're better off dead
Im gonna cry liao. I just deleted a blog entry that chronicled my whole crappy day that consisted of about 600 words.
Today I was so depressed and upset that I banged my head against the wall in school.
I think its not just today but more of a cumulative result of all the events that have happened so far, compounded by the lack of sleep.
My day was an emotional wreck. It started off with an already hollow feeling the moment i woke up. Im drained, both physically and mentally. God. I feel like crying so badly.
Econs was its usual self. Half paying attention half stoning. But by then I wasnt feeling up to my usual self, and basically feeling very drained. Compounded by the 4/10 for econs essay. Its alright, but I like econs more than I think any other subject Im taking, mainly because thats what I want to do next time. Hist consisted more of me feeling super bo chup, then seng started scolding us again, which should have made me feel something, but it didnt. It was a total blankness. Theres a hollow feeling inside me now that was there during then. Verging on apathy.
Then it was followed by math, which the functions test was alright. I could do it I think, although I feel a bit guilty for asking fiona to wait while doing the test cos I was trying to hurry up and finish it. When it came to summation I was totally lost, which I seem to find myself again and again in math, and I slept at 3 last night trying to do it, which btw i got every question wrong, so therefore even before I came to school I was already feeling very demoralized. Plus she started scolding, blahblahblah, not as impactful as the rest of the other teachers though.
Worst of all was GP. I hate GP. I hate her. I used to like english so much, but the way of teaching it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Theres no encouragement at all, its more of a monotonous teaching that makes no impact, nor strike up any enthusiasm from the class. To see the class feeling so stoned makes me wonder if something is very wrong with aj's GP (which admittedly there is) . She scolds us for talking, but talking is normal, and its a way to engage the class, not to glare at us and scold us every time we open our mouths. By being so harsh on free expression, shes ensuring that we get even more bored, because we have to sit quietly at our places doing boring summaries and paraphrasing every stupid word, and doing nothing else but. If people give off vibes, shes cold. Thats the only way to describe her.
Was feeling super depressed by the time lunch break came around. Willy was nice enough to come and talk to me for awhile before he went off. Thanks willy. But still im so depressed and somehow life is meaningless.
And I hate my cca. Its meaningless too. And its alot of work for a CCA that doesnt make much of an impact. I joined for photoshop, not to take photos. And thats the problem. Because their version of photoshop is to enhance a photo, not create something out of the photo. I shall not talk more, too tired and theres a lot more stuff to do. bye.
I think it was a good effort. Removed the eyebags, whitened the teeth. The skin was blurred a bit so it looks smoother, although overall I think his skin is in pretty good shape, so doesnt need much.
However the oil sections took a while, especially the upper hairline. Also the nose was shrunk so it looks straighter, though I had problems with one of his noseholes LMAO. I was never very good with the Liqufy tool.
Before:
After:
NEW VIDS PLUS PHOTOS (mostly of class)
Pe stinks. I stink at PE and I stink after PE. W00t. Thats kind of a nice quote.
Im too tired to type properly. zzz. Or think properly for that matter.
Life is slowly sinking down the toilet bowl. Its homework after homework. Trying desperately to understand maths during lectures and failing, and yet not having the time to go through the lecture notes on my own. In other words, Im screwed. There goes my dream of becoming an accountant and not being stuck with a lousy university course of social science. Honestly. What can you do with arts. Become a teacher. wow. -.= No way in hell.
Bad decision to pick arts. Then again, a good one because I hate chem. In a world with limited options, and I had to pick the worst. Bloody standards the school teachers set which i think is overtaxing me, not to mention the whole class.
Sigh. At most I will become a graphic designer. Though I dont have physics. argh.
Major gripes today:
1. Punitha's stuff is taking up all the space in the locker. o.O Might I remind her she still hasnt paid me for the locker nor the lock, though I discount the lock because i'll probably take it home in the future after this year. I understand that its her locker too, but when her stuff fills the whole locker until I cannot even find my dictionary (the only thing of mine in there), I think something's wrong. So I told her and she said it was just her CCA stuff for today (and then i think, so every cca day it'll be like that?) But in any case, its settled, no big deal. Moving on...
2. My laptop is so super big and heavy. Pain pain. Where's willy when I need him to carry something :[ I want a nice nice vaio laptop that costs 6k which I will never get. SIgh. The trials of being middle class. *I can hear snorts in the background. Shut up*
3. ah seng neh neh about my english. -.= So annoying. I feel so insulted. "Your stand that if it sounds right its probably right doesnt work well in your PI, since it should be had instead of has" Or something to that extent, I dont really remember. What the hell. Just because I dont follow his holier-than-thou english grammer format. I dont care about verbs and adjectives and past perfect tense whatevershit. It sounds right. So usually its right. Its not 100% accurate obviously and I will still make mistakes depending on my mood or state of mind. Its natural to me. Its not a result of learning through technical means. Be creative, have allowances, be natural. I dont think he should insult my version just because he thinks his is better. It works either way, usually. Its much better than thinking about "hmm, am I supposed to use past tense or past perfect or past participial"
4. History is so confusing. How am I supposed to do an essay in 45 min when it takes me that amount of time in itself to craft out an essay outline. I think too long. My brain is like a pea. And worst of all, seng's way of answering the question is totally different from mine. I mean, I get it, but thats only after he says it. I cant think of it on my own and thats the most worrying part because it doesnt matter if your tutorial outlines are good or take home essays are good. What matters is how well you do in an exam, and how much you can produce in that limited time frame. My version of thinking is so much different from what he wants. argh. Die la. I have to totally change my style of thinking and how i view a question. Reminds me of lit, which was one of the reasons I didnt do it again. What goes around comes around.
My head pain. Everywhere pain. My life is painful. I want to be called home, I dont think I like this life.
∫ bøyi™ dx says:
In Case Of Fire:
JJC - Sit down and Cheer
VJC - Run and cheer
SAJC - Start praying
ACJC - Start running, leaving everything behind
NJC - Run to Hwa Chong
HCI - Jump into swimming pool
AJC - Grab TYS, GC and Notes
NYJC - Run to China
TPJC - Start running
PJC - Still stuck in making lightbulb
TJC - Think they very bright so never run
IJC - Try to innovate water to put out fire
SRJC - Huh? Fire? What fire?
∫ bøyi™ dx says:
CJC - Faster burn their condoms away to cover evidence.
It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Rami Belson
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
- Lou Holtz
I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. - Thomas Alva Edison
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. - Mary Kay Ash
People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege. - Unknown
"A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face" - Alex
Don't play stupid with me...I'm better at it. - Unknown
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us." - Alexander Graham Bell
Life's not a garden, so stop being a hoe! - Unknown
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water. - Unknown
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'." - Chris Rock
Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking. - Unknown
Everyone in life is gonna hurt you, you just have to figure out which people are worth the pain. - Erica Baican
"Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot." - Unknown
List of equip and what I want to upgrade or buy next time
Green ss - 10 dex , will buy 12-13 dex if possible, but highly unlikely
Pink cape wa 2 - 2 dex 4 slots left, see how it goes. Will probably upgrade it but it will be the last to be upgraded
Hat - 9 dex 6 slots left, i think i'll leave it like that. Scared go boom, more than enough already
Overall 20 dex. Looking for at least a 25 dex one, will scroll myself. So It'll depend. Bow will stick with wa 100 unless a 104 metus comes about, but highly unlikely due to price
Upgrade priority
Overall
Bow
Dex earrings
Cape
Shoe
Hat - hat too expensive to think of buying
